Living Together After A Breakup

In an ideal world, when a relationship comes to an end, you get to pack up your things and go your separate ways. You figure out how to communicate if you have children, but for the most part, you get ample space to create new routines and to process the breakup.

But the world is far from ideal, and breakups are rarely that simple.

Sometimes the relationship ends, but neither one of you can move out. You might own a house or be stuck in a lease, or perhaps you just don't have enough money to afford two households. There may be children involved, caregiving responsibilities, health concerns, or a hundred other practical reasons why separating your lives isn't as simple as packing a bag and walking out the door.

And how your relationship ends can complicate things even further.

Best-case scenario, you have an honest conversation and agree the relationship has run its course. You’re both sad that it’s over, but there’s no hostility between you. You agree that until one of you can move, you will be roommates.

Or maybe they end things even though you want to keep trying. Now you're sharing a home with someone you still love while trying to accept that they don't want to be with you anymore. Or it might be the other way around: you don't want the relationship anymore, but they don’t want to let you go.

And then there's the breakup that comes after years of fighting, resentment, disappointment, and hurt. You’re both exhausted and completely certain it’s over, but now you have to wake up every morning and see each other.

All three situations are completely different. And yet, when you continue living together after a breakup, some surprisingly similar things can happen.

What are they doing?

You might have spent the last six months thinking, I can’t wait to get away from this person. And then one Tuesday evening, you realize they've been on their phone for two hours. Who are they texting? What are they doing?

You essentially ignored them before, but now you're noticing everything. The new clothes they’re wearing, their new gym routine, how often they check their phone.

This can be especially intense when things ended badly. If you’re angry and hurt, you may not want to feel like you’re the only one suffering. You look for signs that they’re hurting too, and when you don’t see them, it infuriates you.

And even in a civil break up, you might be hyperaware of your ex-partner’s comings and goings because sometimes focusing on them feels easier than moving on. As long as you’re wondering what they’re doing, you don’t have to ask yourself the harder question: What am I supposed to do now?

Who are they dating?

Few things will test your belief that you're "doing great" quite like finding out your ex is seeing someone else. This can be incredibly painful when you didn't want things to end.

But even when it was a mutual choice or when you chose to end it, watching them get ready for a date can feel like emotional whiplash. They're over me already?

There's grief in that, but sometimes there's ego. You may not want them, but that doesn't mean you're ready for them to stop wanting you. Ego in charge, you start doing things to get their attention: looking a little nicer, mentioning your plans, making sure they know you're doing great. Some part of you wants to know that you still matter to them.

What is this sadness?

Sometimes anger carries us through the end of a relationship and even beyond. When there has been a lot of hurt, anger protects us because it keeps all the reasons it needed to end front and center: they were inconsiderate, they were unfaithful, they were selfish. But anger is an emotion, and emotions move. And when anger dissipates, all the other stuff you don’t want to think about or feel takes its place.

Suddenly, memories of the good times begin to surface. You hear them laugh and remember how much you loved that laugh at one point. You see a couple holding hands and remember your first date. You drive past your favorite restaurant and feel the weight of the breakup in ways you hadn’t before.

You’re constantly reminded of happy moments, and you find yourself missing who the two of you used to be before everything went sideways. And try as you might, you can’t access the anger you once felt when you see them standing in the kitchen. All you feel is sadness.

This can be very confusing, leading you to think, Why do I miss them? Does this mean I made a mistake?

Not necessarily. Think about when someone dies; they are physically gone, and yet we feel so many emotions long after they took their last breath. It’s no different with a relationship; putting it to rest doesn’t mean your emotions disappear.

What did we do?!

Intimacy may have been the one thing that kept you feeling connected, especially when the relationship was at its worst. And now you’re broken up, still under the same roof, and both carrying a whole lot of emotions you don’t know what to do with. Before you know it, you’re reaching for what has always felt familiar.

The problem is, the comfort you feel in a moment can create a whole lot of confusion, especially if one of you experiences it as a moment of vulnerability while the other sees it as a sign that maybe it’s not really over.

That's why living together after a breakup requires something you may not have thought to create: intentional boundaries.

What you can do

1. Figure out your boundaries.

Regardless of how it ended, you need firm boundaries. Pay attention to what keeps confusing you or pulling you back into the relationship. Maybe it’s sex, asking where they’re going, or just feeling guilty because you ended it. Whatever it is, be honest about whether it’s helping you move on or keeping you stuck.

2. Get out of their head!

Notice how much time you spend wondering what they’re doing, thinking, or feeling. When you catch yourself surfing the waves inside their head, come back to shore: What am I doing? What do I need? What do I want? You don’t have to stop thinking about them; you just need to make more room for you.

3. Make space for all of it.

You can miss them and still know it’s over, feel jealous and know you don’t want them back, love them and know you must let them go. You can know something and feel something completely different at the same time. That’s grief.

Conclusion

Living together after a breakup doesn't have to be messy. It may be awkward, painful, and confusing at times, but with boundaries and a little space, even under the same roof, you can learn how to live with each other without being a couple.